As usual we were left waiting for Bradders and Wolvey to turn up, which gave us ample time to assess Ian ‘Axe Minster’ Dowding’s weak spots, and quiz Funnell on his brilliant performance at darts the night before and the subsequent hang over!!!
The convoy headed off for Hellingly with, what seemed like over half of the party in Badger’s porn playbus. As we neared our destination out on the back roads of rural Sussex, we knew that we were in for a long day, as Mike ‘I know where we are going, I used to go every weekend’ Cronin led us on unplanned detour to an environment agency nature reserve and a disused Barn!
After being kitted out (with Wolvey looking like a fat Hannibal from the A-Team and Funnell still in such a rough state that he dropped the gun straight away), split into teams, de-briefed and had a practice on the range, at approximately 10:15 hours, after reccying the battlefield (check out the use of army lingo), we were thrust into the uncompromising world of paintball warfare, with the aim of the first game to capture a flag and get it back to a base. As it turns out these flags and bases seemed to feature quite prominently in virtually all of the games we played!
The adrenaline was pumping as everyone waited for the signal to start the game, which was greeted by a roar of ‘charge’ as the raw recruits ran for cover. Former Fletching player and all round ladies man Jamie ‘I am nearly as brown as Craig’ Unwin, whose recent sun bed sessions provided a natural camouflage, was hit straight away – not by a paintball though. Despite warnings at the start about holding the gun up to the face and aiming, Jamie only proceeded to go ahead and do exactly this as the recoil smacked him straight in the visor – Twat!!
The game resulted in a win for the mighty red team, but they were soon to be out done in the next couple of similar games by a blue team who had the advantage throughout the day of youth, pace and of course the all important extra player on their side (I am not bitter!). The highlights of these battles included Wolvey trying to be athletic and roll across the floor (rather slowly) whilst shooting a la The Matrix and Greg ‘Suicide’ Dann who at the start of the game, with a total disregard for his life, made a dash for the flag with no gun – and was promptly shot!!
And so on to the fort, which saw the teams take turns at attacking and defending the, I wish I could say, imposing fortress. Bad Boy decided to take matters in to his own hands with a pesky Pearcy who managed to evade a hail of bullets with some well taken cover. This enraged the big defender who made a dash for Wingnut only to be pummelled by five of the Blue Team who had sneaked up on the outside of the fort! Both teams managed to raise the flag, as Team Red tried to barricade themselves in with the barrels only to be given a slap on the wrist (well big Rio got a few shots fired at him) by the marshals.
After a fine lunch, which included a school dinner favourite of jam roly-poly and custard, it was back outside for a few more capture the flag type games. The pre-battle rumours about Bradders’ trigger happy nature certainly turned out to be true, as time and time again he could be found at the back of the van stocking up paintballs (nearly twenty refills). Bearing in mind the ‘average’ player went through between five and eight refills (with the exception of Piers’ mate who only spent a fiver on one refill!), this must surely be an indication of just how rubbish the Monk was!! (To be fair though it did mean that him and Wolvey could provide good covering fire for us). Anyway what was evident is the fact that as soon as ‘Hunt the Stag’ was announced everyone was queuing at the back of the van to make sure they had enough paint balls to unleash on Piers, his brother and Craig! It was just a shame that this game was only for five minutes, with the pussies taking refuge in the buildings and refusing to come out!
Another couple of games followed in ‘The Village’ which finished one-a-piece and meant that the blue team won five games to four on the day. Then it was time for…….”THE PAINT WASTER”. This was a chance for everyone to unleash a bit of anger and use up their remaining paintballs in a no-holds barred fight till the end. We started off still in our teams in a Mexican stand off, but the whole team thing went out the window almost immediately (sorry Jamie, but I couldn’t help peppering you, whilst you were being shot by Stu – it was just far too tempting!).
For those battle hardened veterans who managed to stay the course, it was then on to the official curry house of Fletching FC – The Star of Bengal, for a slap up ruby and several large Cobra’s, before hitting Just So and of course the Broadway, armed with the customary blow up dolls for company. It tuned out to be a great night on top of what was a brilliant day – something that as a football club we should do definitely do again.