Clarky’s birthday weekend to remember started on Friday evening with a trip down Brighton Marina chatting up my very attractive god-daughter Claire, and ended in a major bender with the boys down the Broadway on Saturday night. Needless to say he failed to score at either event (a relief for Claire’s dad ‘Big H’ currently serving at her majesty’s pleasure) but he shall be remembered fondly for his triumphant tenure as Captain, albeit for one game, where he may end his footballing career with a maximum played one, won one record.

For those of you who were unable to witness it, this weekend personifies why I/We love Fletching Football Club so much; great camaraderie and friendship, terrific football played in the Corinthian spirit, game opponents, wonderful support (there were nearly 30 people there!) and vociferous banter between players and fans which had me in stitches for nearly two hours- especially as most of it was aimed at the man in black, Adolf Wolvey, who was hounded throughout and cheered each time (twice) he left the centre circle.

A big thanks to all the first team boys who chose to come and support their club rather than their wives down Tesco’s for making Clarky’s day so special. A hearty pat on the back to Piers for making him skipper for the day (an inspired decision) and putting a notice on the teamsheet which simply read “enjoy yourselves.” I don’t think any of us have seen the boy play so well with chest puffed and desperate to please the crowd egging him on to score. Any referee would have read the situation and awarded Dogger a deserved penalty which no doubt would have been handed to captain marvel, but unfortunately ‘Herr stickler’ was too busy reciting the “Laws of the Game” like a fundamentalist Muslim would recite the Koran while shaving himself before Jihad!

But that’s where I’ll stop berating Wolvey. He did a good job of refereeing the game and our thanks go to him for helping out last minute even though it is very tempting to slate him continuously (the pen is mightier than the sword and I am in possession and he is a prat!)

The balance of the team was spot on this week. A good mix of youth and experience in all areas and a very strong spine created the platform for the demolition of Danehill. Hartup’s first start alongside Greg Dann in defence, Dickens’ move to central midfield alongside Leeves, and Dan ‘Dogger’ Benton’s return up front to partner the hungry Dowding gave the team dominance which they weren’t about to squander. Great tackling and decisive flair play combined with occasional individual brilliance was served up for the entire ninety minutes and kept both sets of fans thoroughly entertained. The odd clanger did not pass unnoticed either- England’s goalkeeper Robinson would have delighted in sending Bradders a ‘thank you for deflecting the flack’ type text message after his second half howler let in the visitors forward to tap into an empty net (see I told you that ball is dodgy!!) but thankfully if ever there was a good time to cock-up…

Dogger opened the goal fest with a confident finish early in the first half and Hartup doubled the score with a fierce curling left foot free-kick ala Roberto Carlos at Le Tournoi which gave the keeper no chance at all. Once the visitors had pulled one back following poor defending and failing to clear lines, Dowding went on a mazy run dodging at least three tackles and dragging back to an unmarked Dickens to rifle home a fierce right footer in the top right hand corner to restore the two goal margin between the teams before a well deserved half time orange.

The second half started well for the Archers (don’t mention the goalkeeping howler) and the likes of Sheepy, Dickens and Dann continued to put in solid challenges which pegged back the enthusiasm of the visitors (young) boys. Swift substitutions were made by Carter eager to see an end to two defeats on the bounce and kick start our 2006 campaign in earnest. ‘Titch’ Barter came on to replace Hartup and took up his customary position wide on the left while Mark Dann took over defensive duties from a disgruntled Jefford. The Villagers football ebbed and flowed confidently and it wasn’t long before we were entertained by a barrage of four goals in quick succession. First Dowding pounced onto a loose ball and finished well followed by another Dowding goal after good work by Leeves had left two defenders on their backside. On each occasion Dowding finished with ever growing confidence and looked a little more the player we all know.

It didn’t take long for Titch to remind us all of his flare and pace and the extra width he created worked well for the boys and created more space for Dogger to show us his pace. Eventually the goal came after good work on the left involving Clarky and younger Dann brother Greg (and clever play-on signalled by the Referee it pains me to say!) kept the play alive and a low cross was tapped in into an empty net by Titch to put the game beyond the reach of the opponents. The move of the game involved great interplay between Titch, Mark Dann and Leeves before a fierce shot sailed just over the bar from fully thirty yards off the boot of Dann. The smiling taunting centre half was soon silenced by a very strong shoulder barge (honest ref) from Dann, who was called in at short notice from the First Team, which put the Danehill centre half flat on his backside and wiped the smile off his face for the afternoon. The crowd was being treated to vintage Fletching performance and every move was cheered like the matadors in the Torrevieja bullring before the final nailing. Clarky in particular was growing with each passing minute and his forays in the opponent’s area were exciting the fever pitch crowd. A brilliant run by Titch evading two visitor’s defenders ended with a low cross being deflected into his own net by the Hill centre half (serves him right for taunting Danno) and capping Titch an excellent half hour cameo. His cries for claiming the goal will be heard with deaf ears but I guess he deserves it.

Champagne Moment From ‘The Sol Man’

The final whistle came and part two of Clarky’s weekend trilogy was completed still with no score but enjoyable just the same. Could the evening’s shenanigans prove successful? The answer no doubt will be posted in our chatroom on the website. He is just happy to break my (shite) record of straight defeats and no doubt one day will be telling a rather bored wife and children about his maximum record for the Archers. I know victories can mask many a crack but for this week only, lets saviour what Fletching FC has to offer us all and ponder why on earth anyone would consider leaving this club. Enough of all this flowery stuff! I’m off to slate Wolvey!!

Team: Bradley, Cork, Hartup (Bradey), G.Dann, Jefford (M.Dann), Clark, Dickens,Leeves, Newman (Barter), Dowding, Benton